he loves me well

One morning, stumbling my way into the kitchen on my way to the coffee pot, I noticed something propped up against the vase in the middle of the table.  Upon bleary-eyed investigation, I saw it was a CD.  Mumford and Sons, the new one. 

More effective than the shot of caffeine I had just been going for, surprise and delight shot through my veins as I picked it up, turned it over and read the list of songs. 

Still holding my CD, I grabbed my mug, pouring half and half then coffee into my cup, all the while wondering to myself, when had I ever told him I liked Mumford and Sons?  The band had just come on my radar.  Maybe I had recently listened to them on Spotify while cooking dinner?  Perhaps he had heard me gushing about them to a friend on the phone? 

One of the many things I love about my husband is that often I don’t have to tell him the desires of my heart directly.  He is lovingly listening, watching, caring for me in tender, behind the scenes ways that melt my heart. 

Recently, when my pastor said that the new sermon series would be on The God of Abraham, I had to laugh.  This past summer I went through the study guide of Anne Graham Lotz’ book The Magnificent Obsession with some ladies from my church.  The study focuses on the life of Abraham.  This year I am also studying the book of Genesis with Bible Study Fellowship.  More Abraham! 

I have started to pay close attention to what God is saying to me through the life of Abraham, because apparently He really wants me to hear it.

 Our family has been waiting for an adoption placement now for over a year.  Actually for a year and four months.  As the year anniversary of our adoption certification rolled by on the calendar in November, I started getting a bit antsy.  This waiting game is hard.  Living day by day and not doing anything active to achieve this thing that I want so desperately, this simply trusting God…well, it is not for the faint of heart. 

This fall my heart was getting faint. 

I began thinking about other routes we could take with our adoption, ways we could make this happen faster, so that we would no longer be waiting but would instead be living this dream and promise from God.  I felt so ready to welcome another child into our home and to write the next chapter of our adoption story, the chapter that comes AFTER the chapter on waiting.

In the middle of this internal storm, I opened my Bible to complete my weekly Bible study homework, and there was Sarah offering Hagar to Abraham.

Oh, I know this story.  It is a story of a woman taking matters into her own hands.  It is a story of a woman who is done with waiting, a woman who can see no way that God can come through on His promise and so when she sees a way that seems right to her, she takes it.

Like with that CD on the breakfast table, God listened to the turmoil in my heart and with perfect timing, graciously reminded me of the value of waiting for His timing.

I love what Holley Gerth says in her recently released book, You’re Made for a God-Sized Dream: “Perhaps our idea of waiting is too limited.  We think we have to be still and do nothing at all.  But what if waiting is more about the attitude of our hearts?” 

This resonates deeply with me because I can see, looking back over this yearlong wait, that the attitude of my heart has indeed changed.  Coming to adoption through the door of my own grief has meant that I have needed to be reminded that our adoption is about so much more than satisfying my deep desire for more children.  Yes, through adoption God can meet and fulfill my desire, but He is also working out His plan in the life of the child we will adopt.  Our adoption will involve many other stories, many other lives, and there will be a moment in time when it will be right for our stories to merge, but only God knows when that time will be. 

This time of waiting is like water that drips, drop by drop over much time onto a rock face, and though at one time it dripped onto solid rock, over time it creates its own space, so that now it has become a pool where water collects.

This waiting is creating space in me, sacred space, open-handed space. 

May it be filled in His time.

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linking up here today...Click on ever to Jennifer Dukes Lee's place to join us.  You can participate on your own blog, or tell your story here in the comments.  I love what Jennifer says, "Your words matter to God.  They matter to people.  And they matter to me!"